At wits end parents
I see many parents on a weekly base, who’s children don’t want to listen to them. These parents are at wits end and despondent. On the other hand, listen to what a girl between four and five years told me: “You know if Mom and Dad says 'No' to me and my brother, we just start crying and when we cry louder and louder, Mom and Dad always say 'Yes'!” Shocking!? No, it’s a general everyday situation.

So, what is happening here? 
In most households both parents are working and they feel guilty for not spending enough time with their kids. These parents want to be “nice and kind” to their children and don’t want to have conflict when they come home late, prepare dinner, help the kids with homework, etcetera. (Note: this situation also repeats itself daily where one of the parents doesn’t work and stay at home – due to parents who don’t want conflict). The children, on the other hand exactly know when (if Mom and Dad reached their energy limits) and how (cry harder, throw a tantrum, etc.) they should push the borders so that Mom and Dad will give in and say “Yes”, do the “work” themselves or start shouting to get reaction from their kids.

What should you as parent do?
BoysTownPress.org teaches that there are four steps to follow an instruction and to get results from your kids: 

• stop all activities;
• look your kid in the eyes (mom / dad / teacher / caretaker, etc.) when you give the instruction;
  
• wait for him to acknowledge the instruction by saying, “ok” (even if he doesn’t feel like saying “ok”); 
  
• let him complete the task;
  
• adult and kid check back after completion.
  

Explain to your kids what you and society want them to do when you ask something and practice the above mentioned four steps.

A mom’s comment on practicing the four steps on BoysTownPress.org is: “Now when I ask them to do something, they can either do the task, or they hear me repeat what the four steps are and why its important to follow instructions. The mere distraction of me giving this explanation over and over again is enough to make them not argue or dilly dally, its kind of nice”.

Parents, don’t stay at wits end. Make the shift from being controlled by your child to “taking the remote control” (above mentioned four steps) in your own hands and start to practice today how to make your kids listen to you.

Title of article taken from Julia Cook's book "I just don't like the sound of NO!"

DIVORCE
The following information was copied from the APA website at www.apa.org
No one enters into a marriage expecting it to fail. Still, more than 20 percent of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and 48 percent of marriages dissolve by the 20-year mark, according to 2006-2010 data from the government’s National Survey of Family Growth. Separation and divorce are emotionally difficult events, but it is possible to have a healthy breakup.

Cooperation, communication and mediation
The end of a marriage typically unleashes a flood of emotions including anger, grief, anxiety and fear. Sometimes these feelings can rise up when you least expect them, catching you off guard. Such a response is normal, and over time the intensity of these feelings will subside. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Researchers have found that people who are kind and compassionate to themselves have an easier time managing the day-to-day difficulties of divorce.

 Try not to think of the breakup as a battle. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.

 Sitting down and speaking with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do, but cooperation and communication make divorce healthier for everyone involved. Talking things through with a psychologist may help you reach coordinated decisions with a minimum of conflict. It can be difficult to remember important details when emotions are running high. Pick a time when you’re feeling calm to write down all the points you want to discuss. When you do sit down with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, use the list as your guide. Having a “script” to work from can take some of the emotion out of face-to-face communication. If in-person discussions are still too difficult, consider handling some of the details over email.

When kids are involved
Divorce can be a traumatic experience for children, but research suggests that most children adjust well within two years following the divorce; on the other hand, children often experience more problems when parents remain in high-conflict marriages instead of splitting up. During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. Do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems. It’s often helpful for divorcing parents to come up with a plan and present it to their children together. And, keep the lines of communication open. Kids benefit from having honest conversations about the changes their family is experiencing.

 In many cases, sudden change can be hard on children. If appropriate, give them a few weeks’ notice before moving them to a new home, or before one spouse moves out. It can be helpful to minimize changes as much as possible in the months and years following a divorce. Kids do better when they maintain close contact with both parents. Research suggests that kids who have a poor relationship with one or both parents may have a harder time dealing with family upheaval. Parent education programs that focus on improving the relationship between parents and their kids have been shown to help children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.

Taking care of yourself
The changes brought on by separation and divorce can be overwhelming. But now more than ever, it’s important to take care of yourself. Tap into your support network, turning to family and friends for assistance and comfort. Formal support groups can also help you cope with the many emotions of a marriage ending. To stay positive as you start a new chapter, try getting involved in activities you used to love but haven’t done in a while. Or try new hobbies and activities. Stay physically healthy by eating right and getting exercise.

How psychologists can help
Divorce is a difficult time for the entire family. Divorcing spouses and their children can benefit from speaking to a psychologist to help them deal with their emotions and adjust to the changes. Psychologists can also help you think carefully about what went wrong in your marriage so you can avoid repeating any negative patterns in your next relationship.

Who doesn’t want to be tough?  That person still needs to be born as we all want to have self confidence, belief in ourselves. Most of us want to be in control of ourselves and our feelings, we strive to be able to handle normal every day life challenges and we are all fighting a battle to stay with our good commitments, like eating more healthy, exercising more regularly, spending more time with our loved ones, etcetera.  The above mentioned examples include the four components (known as the four C’s) of mental toughness, which are challenge, confidence, control and commitment. 

What do mental tough people have that others don’t have?
· They are willing to take action and not just wish that they had more emotional toughness.  So, they get actively involved in the commitment to make their dreams come true.
· Mental tough people belief in themselves.  They focus on their best characteristics and work on their negative characteristics.
· Mental tough people realise the importance to love and appreciate themselves.  They know that you can’t reach out and love other people if you don’t like and love yourself.  They know that they owe themselves to love themselves.
· Mental tough people know how to be good to themselves.  They know when to take a break in a hectic schedule, they know that they can’t function well if they don’t get a good nights rest and they exercise on a regular base.
· They are more flexible than people who are not mental tough.  A flexible person realizes that he is still able to make choices in the midst of adversity and difficult circumstances.  Rigid people usually belief that they are trapped inside their adversity.
· Mental tough people set goals for themselves.  They realize that to keep on wishing and longing for what they want to achieve without setting any specific aims, will only remain dreams and wishful thinking.

During the next few weeks I will expand on above mentioned skills and characteristics of mental tough people.  Watch this space, while you start to take action on your own mental tough journey. 

References: Developing mental toughness (Peter Clough & Doug Strycharczyk)
The psycho-educational use of mental toughness in dealing with trauma (Unpublished Thesis by AMS Van Niekerk) (see References at the back)

Shakespeare said that nothing is either good or bad, but that we make it so.

Michael Nolan said: "It's not who we are that holds us back, it's who we think we're not".

The way in which we as human beings perceive (see) things around us influences the way in which we see ourselves and the world around us.  Therefore be aware, because you (and I) deal with life according to how we see things.  The way in which we see things (in other words our perceptions) is shaped by things from our childhood,  for example the way in which our parents disciplined us.  Our perceptions are also influenced by the values, meanings and norms of people around us, for example friends, teachers, the social media, colleuages, etcetera.  

A practical example of different ways to see the same thing is: 
Thabo and Jakes were both retrenched from their jobs.  Thabo experiences it as the worst thing that ever happened to him and he believed that his life was over and that nothing good could ever come from his retrenchment.  He became a bitter man and felt sorry for himself for the rest of his life.  

On the other hand Jakes was shocked and stunned just like Thabo was, but he decided that something good has to come from his retrenchment.  Therefore Thabo started to look for new opportunities, met up with people who could support him and at the end started his own business which did way better than he did in his job from which he had been retrenched.  

So, don't hold yourself back, for you are enough, you are a fighter and you are going to make your dreams come true if you start to belief in yourself.  Then you learn what mental toughness really is! 

Stillness?! What's that and how on earth could it be an art in our crazy, busy days? 

Are you a busy bee, or just too busy as a person to try and cope with your every day life: Working hard, trying to be friendly at work, try not to feel guilty for not spending enough time with your kids, wrestling with being a great husband, dad, mom, friend, etcetera.  Try to do the shopping, to have a meal on table every night, not even a great meal sometimes - just a meal!  Then the other things like dentists' appointments, gynaecologist stuff, eye testing (which haven't been done in years), children's activities, work functions, keeping your social life running, reading, tweeting, facebooking (the last three are luxuries!) and try to keep sane when your budget doesn't make it again for another month?

Above mentioned came to me this morning with a bang.  I had some time (at last) to sit and write an article on "not giving in to your child" as well as something on mental toughness, divorce and self-concept for my website.  It took me quite some time (up to two hours), to try to manage my website, sticking to an appointment with my husband, re-thinking the most time saving menu for the next week, and catching up with some magazine articles which I couldn't read for a long time. And I thought I was just managing everything at least and then it happened: I inserted a wrongly named photo into one of my articles and of course erased the photo. BUT between me and the technology I managed to erased everything I did to cover the next two months on my website!  

Then the following happend in this order:
- My first thought was to start crying.
- Second thought, it won't help at all, so go and make some tea to calm down.
- Third thought and action: ask my husband to try to retrieve the detail (which wasn't possible - the retrieving detail action).
- Fourth thought: It was time to do the "thing" that I wanted to do in the first place this morning (but instead I chose to pay attention to the technology stuff): To watch Louie Schwartzberg's TED talk 9 minute (yes only 9 minutes) DVD on nature, beauty and gratitude.

This is my story in short and the "thing" I wanted to do early this morning:
Do you know TED talks?  Now, if you know it you will know that it's life changing and if you've never heard of it before, I can really recommend it.  Only the world's most inspired and BEST people take part in TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) in order to use their passion to change ideas, life and the future.  I've also read Pico Iyer's book The art of silence.  I've just finished it yesterday night.  

In short, this amazing TED talk presenter stated that after he spent his life travelling the world and did a lot of research and interviews on stillness, he came to the conclusion that the only way to feel fresh, alive, new and full of hope again, is to slow down more often, as then we will experience that slowing dow, and stillness gives us strength to "face" our live's challenges again AND that we will experience that we have more wisdom, power and calmness to take up our responsibilities again.  If you don't fully believe me, slow down right now and look at this: go.ted.com/Schwartzberg.

Your heart will open up and you will see the blessings and joy which you can't see anymore due to not being able to do what you know you should (Like I knew, but didn't do this morning): to experience the art and strength and power of silence.

So, do you want today, and tomorrow and every other day to turn out as a good day? 
Let silence shows you how your eyes, smile and touch can become life giving (most of all to yourself and then to the people close to you).  

Come on, make the choice with me today, we deserve this every day! Go now and see Pico Iyer's TED talk (14 minutes).

Ego?!   Yes, we know about ego's.  Usually men's ego’s! 

In my previous post I’ve shared Brene Brown’s “blaming” dvd.  If you haven’t seen it yet it’s worth a moment to go to the video and have a look.

Blaming is all about ego.  And NO, not just about men's egos – it’s all about our ego’s as human beings.  Have a look at the picture below: sitting behind your desk, your feet on the desk and just feeling good about yourself, just like yourself as a person – that’s what ego implies: Ego is the manager of our personalities and it’s biggest need is to feel good about himself (or herself). 

Now, how is an ego formed?

By telling yourself good things about yourself, like “I am good enough”; and thus giving yourself positive feedback of yourself, for example: “Iva likes me and she thinks I’m a good friend”; “I’m making a difference in someone's life”, etcetera.

By telling yourself bad things about yourself: “I’m not a good mom”; “I don’t have any university qualifications and therefore I am inferior compared to my friends”; “I’m fat and ugly”; “I don’t have self confidence”, etcetera.

By interpreting the feedback (positive or negative) that you receive from others: “Other people don’t like me”; “My boss thinks Mark does this job better than I did” or on a more positive side: “My boss thinks I’m great”; “I handled this situation well”. 

Back to the blaming issue: 

In order to feel good about yourself, you learn defending mechanisms (to boost your ego to feel good), for example blaming others instead of taking responsibility for your own actions, withdrawing from a situation where you feel inferior and accusing other people of not acknowledging and understanding you, drinking too much in order to have confidence to “speak out” in front of other people.

So, we all have ego’s, as we are human.  But have you ever thought about what your defending mechanisms are?  Start to recognize them, try to stop using them and become an anti- blamer, anti- over drinker, anti- withdrawing person and a pro “I am good enough the way I am” person.

Most people don’t even know that they have defending mechanisms.  So, why is it good to know what your defending mechanisms are?  Well, by knowing what they are, you can focus on minimising them, or using them less.  Start saying: I don’t blame others, but I take responsibility for my actions; I don’t withdraw from friends, because I rather learn more self assertiveness and start to belief that I can’t expect others to respect me if I don’t respect myself; I don’t need to drink too much as I would rather learn some skills to better socialize and communicate with other people.  

And start treating your EGO well, saying “hi EGO, you are a great buddy!!"

If you are (or don't even know you are), have a look at this great video by Brene Brown, where she "considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour."

Few words can cause so much anxiety and stress than the word "exam".  The mere mentioning of the word can cause people of all ages from getting a good night's sleep, and is some cases can even lead to more severe symptoms.

So what can we as parents do to help our children cope better with these stresses?

Below is some extracts from an article by Kerry Acheson, entitled "Coping With Exams: How Parents Can Help".  The full article is available from http://www.claremontpractice.co.za/newsletter-0913.html.

We know the following about exams:

• Exams are stressful events;
• Exams cause dread and a feeling of butterflies in the stomach;
  
• Exams are inescapable;
  
• Exams can cause anxiety, nightmares, stress and worrying.
  

Ways in which a parent can support his child with exam stress:

• Support your child to gain more control over his exams by dividing his subjects into small tasks and to make exam notes every afternoon;
  
• Keep the atmosphere at home as calm and quiet as possible;
  
• Teach your child to be self-aware by observing his:
  

Ø  thoughts
Ø  feelings and
Ø  body when he gets anxious.

• Encourage your child to catch and replace negative thoughts.

• Put up affirmation statements around the house, for example:
  

Ø  I do my best every day;
Ø  I take the exams one step at a time;
Ø  I can do it;
Ø  I achieve my goals every day;
Ø  I am calm and relaxed.

• Deep breathing exercises and/or seeing a peaceful scene in his mind can be effective in reducing exams stress and anxiety.

• Help your child to develop a study schedule.
  

A Study schedule is made by:
Ø  Calculate the available days for studying until the end of the exams.
Ø  Estimate the needed hours of study.
Ø  Divide the needed study hours between the days on the study schedule.
Ø  Schedule the harder study times to the times of the day that your child is most alert.
Ø  Review and adapt the study schedule along the way.
Ø  Tick off each completed study session to gain a sense of progress and achievement.
Ø  Encourage your child to have breakfast in the morning.

On the day of the exam:
Ø  Do deep breathing exercises;
Ø  Calmly “see” the exam procedure;
Ø  Use positive affirmations;
Ø  If your child experiences “going blank” encourage him to do the breathing exercises and affirmations;
Ø  Encourage your child to tell himself: “…it’s ok to be nervous, this will pass….”..

Mastering exam preparation is an art.  It will take consistency from both you as a parent as well as your child to change his exam coping skills.

At this time of the year "school readiness" is one of the hot topics of discussion amongst mothers with young children.  

Moms are constantly concerned with the question "How do I ensure that my child is ready for school".  I have previously written about this topic, but I recently came across this very practical article, which gives excellent practical tips of how you can get your child ready for school.  The article was prepared by Sinmarie Pieterse, and the original article is published at: http://www.claremontpractice.co.za/newsletter-0912.html.

SCHOOL READINESS: WHY IT IS SO IMPORTANT
prepared by Sinmarie Pieterse

Today we know more than ever before about how young children develop and about how to best support early learning.

The first five years of life are critical to a child’s lifelong development. Young children’s earliest experience and environment set the stage for future development and success in school and life.

Early experience actually influence brain development, establishing the neural connections that provide the foundation for language, reasoning, problem solving, social skills, behaviour and emotional health. Therefore it is of utmost importance that we prepare and develop our children’s potential and ability to learn to the utmost in this phase.

SCHOOL GOING AGE
A child is obliged to go to school in the year that they turn 7, whether it is 1 January or 31 December unless they obtain school exemption for the year.

WHAT IS SCHOOL READINESS?
A child’s readiness for school is multi faceted, encompassing the whole range of physical, social, emotional, language and cognitive skills that children need to thrive. School readiness is a measure of how prepared a child is to succeed in school, cognitively, socially and emotionally.

It also implies that the child has reached a certain stage in their development where formal education will be advantageous to the child.

“Readiness is a stage where a child’s development is when they can learn easily, effectively and without emotional disturbance. It can not be defined in a point of development, however, because growth is a steady continuous process, always ongoing. Rather it is a condition, or state indicating that the child is ready to learn.”

Parents, day-care providers, paediatricians and pre school programs play an enormous role in the preparation of a child for school. Research shows that learning begins long before a child enters Nursery school. No child becomes ready on their own. It is a process. The child needs to be educated. Initially it is the parents responsibility to provide the necessarily stimuli. Infants and young children thrive when parents and families are able to surround them with love and support and opportunities to learn and explore their world.

School Maturation on the other hand refers to a biological process in the development when certain aptitudes appear before they start school. This implies physical as well as mental maturity. The maturation process cannot be hastened but the appropriate facilitation, comprehension and support thereof can.

Parents can improve the quality of the maturation. This can be achieved by stimulating the effective use of senses, language and co-ordinated muscle control.

The maturation process can be delayed by the lack of sufficient stimulation or neurological dysfunction as a result of brain injury before, during or after birth.

The maturation process includes physical maturity, as the child needs to be physically fit to enable them to deal with the demands of formal maturation.

Usually this kind of maturity is reached by children at about the age of six. But it must be added that, from a pedagogical point of view, this kind of maturity is not a guarantee of success at school, because even if a child is sufficiently mature one can still find that they will not be able to meet the demands of formal teaching.

THE DOMAINS OF SCHOOL READINESS
These domains are separate and distinct, but interact with and reinforce each other. The need for children to develop across all five domains is supported by pre- primary school teachers.

1. Physical and Motor development and physical health
2. Emotional and social development
3. Cognitive development
4. Language development

1. PHYSICAL, MOTOR DEVELOPMENT AND HEALTH

1. Gross motor development
   Co-ordination should be well developed. The child should be able to perform a variety of gross motor acts including climbing, walking, running, skipping, catching a ball and standing on one leg.
2. Fine motor development
   The child should be comfortable to be able to use a pair of scissors, pencils, crayons, cutlery and simple implements.
3. Perceptual development
   This will enable them to interpret in a meaningful manner. The child must be able to perceive and reproduce correctly on a visual-motor level. They must be able to conceptualize and perceptualize. These perceptual abilities are extremely important. Visual perception is particularly important in writing, reading, copying, pasting etc. Auditory perception is important in listening; a child must not only be able to hear, but also to listen.
4. Self-care
   The basic self care skills such as dressing oneself, tying shoelaces and buttoning up should be developed as should hygiene routines such as toileting, washing of hands and face.
5. Physical health
   The child should be physically healthy in order to attend and perform within the school environment. The following should be carefully monitored and where applicable the necessary intervention should be implemented by a suitable or qualified person.
   • Allergies
   • Attention deficit disorders with or without hyperactivity
   • Nutrition and growth deficiencies
   • Immunisations
   • Blood disorders
   • Visual, dental and auditory problems

2. SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Young children's social and emotional development is the foundation for their cognitive development. Children are more likely to do well in school when they have a positive sense of personal well being, developed through consistent, caring relationships in their early years. Emotional support and secure relationships build a child’s self confidence and the ability to function as a member of a group. Research indicates that a child’s emotional and social skills are linked to their early academic standing.  Children who are emotionally well adjusted have a significantly greater chance of early school success, where children who experience serious emotional difficulty face grave risks of early school difficulty. Specifically, emerging research on early schooling suggests that the relationships that children built with peers and teachers are based on children’s ability to regulate emotions in pro social versus antisocial ways and that those relationships then serve as a source of provision that either help or hurt children’s chances of doing well academically.  Children who have difficulty paying attention, following directions, getting along with others, and controlling negative emotions of anger and distress do less well in school.

1. Social maturity as a criterion for school readiness refers to a child’s ability to adapt to social situations whether in a group or individual context. A child who is socially immature, irrespective of whether they have the cognitive abilities to cope with formal education, will experience considerable adaption problems that in turn will hamper scholastic performance. 
   The following are a few questions you can use to identify if your child is socially ready:
   He/she likes to play with a friend.
   He/she can easily integrate with a group.
   He/she can easily carry on a conversation with a friend.
   He/she is willing to share toys
   He/she is willing to help a friend.
2. Emotional maturity implies that a child has reasonable control over their emotions. Emotional maturity influences important aspects such as self confidence, which are pre -requisites for learning. When a child is evaluated for school readiness it may become apparent that they are physically and cognitively ready but socially and emotionally not.
   
   School readiness depends just as much on emotional maturity than on scholastic ability. Therefore it is one of the most important aspects of school readiness. This is partially influenced by parenting but also depends to a large extent on a natural development process and will increase with time.
   
   How do you know if your child is emotionally mature enough to go to school?
   
   Here are some guidelines:
   • Independence: Can your child complete most tasks on his or her own, or are they constantly running to their teachers’ side for approval or assistance?
   • Confidence: Is your child confident enough to speak up in a busy classroom when he or she is uncomfortable or needs help? Children also need to let the teacher know when they need a bathroom break, are feeling ill, or need something.
   • Separation: Does your child separate easily from you when drop them off in the morning or are the good byes long and teary? Some crying in the beginning few weeks are normal and even expected but should stop after a while. Teachers don’t have the time to console a tearful child the rest of the day.
   • Responsibility for his belongings: Does your child remember to put their box back in their bag after school, do they remember their jersey, school clothes etcetera? Or is their teacher constantly running after them with their belongings?
   • Problem solving: Is your child able to solve the majority of basic little problems that pop up on a daily basis? For example, will they know to borrow a ruler from a friend if they don’t have one or ask their teacher to phone mummy?
     

3. COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT

This domain refers to thinking and problem solving, knowledge about particular objects and the way the world works.

The cognitive skills that grow out of a child’s everyday experiences are what help children to acquire new knowledge. From these experiences children learn to observe, recognise differences and similarities, ask questions, and solve problems. The best foundation for later learning is provided when children have multiple and varied opportunities to interact with their environment and are encouraged to learn from their experiences. Cognitive development encompasses mathematical knowledge, thinking, creative expression reasoning and problem solving. 

Creativity

• The child should be able to use drawings, play, and various objects to express themselves creatively.
• The child should be able to actively involve themselves in role playing, drama and story telling.
• They should be able to creatively express their understanding of the world around them.
  

4. LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT

This includes communication and literacy. Communication includes listening, speaking, and vocabulary. 

Language proficiency is a key predictor of school success. Early literacy skills (size of vocabulary, recognizing letters, understanding letter and sound relationships,) at nursery school are good predictors of children’s reading abilities throughout their educational careers. Language and literacy skills enable children to develop cognitive skills and knowledge and to interact effectively with peers and adults.

Here are some indicators:

• The child should be conversant in their mother tongue.
• The child should be able to both comprehend and express themselves fluently and meaningfully.
• He/She should be able to remember details from stories in a logical sequence.
• The child should have an expansive vocabulary and be able to describe the attributes (size, shape and colour) of objects.
• The child should be able to recognise letters particularly those in their name.
  Comprehend concepts of time as before and after.
• The child should be able to identify the differences and similarities between objects.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO DETERMINE WHETEHER YOUR CHILD IS READY FOR SCHOOL.

The demands placed on the grade 1 child are high. A child who enters the grade 1 classroom without the necessary skills is likely to develop problems emotionally, behaviourally or academically.

Knowledge of the child’s strengths and weaknesses when they enter grade 1 may be beneficial for understanding the academic performance of the child throughout their academic career. This knowledge may also be utilised to develop strategies to facilitate effective learning in the child.

Bibliography

• Spoken sign language as a criterion for school readiness among deaf pre-schoolers.
  
• N.L. de Klerk, 2003, Magister in Language Practice, University of the Free State.
  
• Article: Young children’s emotional development and school readiness. C Cybele Raver
  
• Brainline 2003, J Du Plessis.
  
• Getting ready: National school readiness indicators report. February 2005, Rhodes Island Kids Count.
  
• Peceptual development. M.C. Grove and H.M.A. M. Hauptfleisch.
  

Instrumentele aggressie kom algemeen tussen die ouderdom van 2 en 4 jaar voor.  Die doel van hierdie aggressie is nie om ‘n maat seer te maak nie, maar om iets in die hande te kry, soos byvoorbeeld ‘n speelding of om ‘n sekere area te annekseer.

Tussen die ouderdomme van 2 en 4 jaar leer kinders om hulle behoeftes in woorde uit te druk.  Die kind leer selfbeheer aan en die instrumentele aggressie word geleidelik minder.  Tussen die ouderdomme van 6 en 7 jaar is die meeste kinders minder aggressief, minder op hulleself gefokus en hulle kan beter kommunikeer.

Sommige kinders toon egter vyandige aggressie (aggressiewe gedrag om iemand anders seer te maak) en / of overte aggressie (aggressie wat direk en openlik op ‘n teiken gemik is).

Wat kan aggressie sneller?

• gewelddadige fantasiespel
  
• blootstelling aan aggressiewe volwassenes en geweld
  
• inkonsekwente reëls (reëls wat elke nou en dan verander)
  
• ouers wie se reëls baie van mekaar verskil
  
• ouerskapstyle wat baie uiteenlopend is
  
• aggressiewe maats.
  

Kinders wat dikwels gestraf word kan:

• probleme ervaar om ander mense se woorde en dade te  interpreteer,
  
• ouers se motief as vyandig ervaar, ten spyte daarvan dat dit nie die ouer se bedoeling was nie.
  

Kinders wat te streng gestraf word kan:

• aggressief begin optree, omdat hulle gefrustreerd, seergemaak en verneder voel,
  
• terug slaan, selfs al was ‘n ouer se bedoeling om sy kind se aggressiewe gedrag stop te sit.
  

Somtyds kan dit nodig wees om jou kind te straf as hy byvoorbeeld ‘n ander kind slaan en / of oor ‘n besige straat hardloop.

Belangrike aspekte om te onthou wanneer jy jou kind straf:

• bly kalm,
  
• moenie hom in die openbaar straf nie,
  
• jou doelwit moet wees om sy samewerking te kry en nie skuldgevoelens by hom te kweek nie,
  
• wees konsekwent, tree dadelik op en hou by die oortreding (moenie hom oor ‘n ander oortreding ook straf nie).
  

Kinders leer meer wanneer ouers begin om meer op hulle positiewe gedrag te fokus en dit te versterk in plaas daarvan om op hulle negatiewe gedrag te fokus.

Praktiese wyses om goeie gedrag te versterk:

• ‘n glimlag,
  
• ‘n drukkie,
  
• woorde van aanmoediging en waardering,
  
• ekstra aandag,
  
• ‘n spesiale voorreg (waak egter daarteen dat dit iets is wat geld kos of voor die tv of rekenaar is) soos ‘n piekniek in die park of om langer buite te speel.
  

Dit is belangrik dat jou kind jou versterking van sy gedrag as belonend ervaar. Gee die versterking gereeld en op ‘n konsekwente basis. Jou kind se gedrag behoort hom geleidelik te ondersteun om te voel dat hy iets bereik het en in die proses goed oor homself te voel.

 (Bron: A child’s world: infancy through adolescence. Papalia, Olds and Feldman)