DIVORCE
The following information was copied from the APA website at www.apa.org
No one enters into a marriage expecting it to fail. Still, more than 20 percent of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and 48 percent of marriages dissolve by the 20-year mark, according to 2006-2010 data from the government’s National Survey of Family Growth. Separation and divorce are emotionally difficult events, but it is possible to have a healthy breakup.

Cooperation, communication and mediation
The end of a marriage typically unleashes a flood of emotions including anger, grief, anxiety and fear. Sometimes these feelings can rise up when you least expect them, catching you off guard. Such a response is normal, and over time the intensity of these feelings will subside. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Researchers have found that people who are kind and compassionate to themselves have an easier time managing the day-to-day difficulties of divorce.

 Try not to think of the breakup as a battle. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs.

 Sitting down and speaking with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse may be the last thing you want to do, but cooperation and communication make divorce healthier for everyone involved. Talking things through with a psychologist may help you reach coordinated decisions with a minimum of conflict. It can be difficult to remember important details when emotions are running high. Pick a time when you’re feeling calm to write down all the points you want to discuss. When you do sit down with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse, use the list as your guide. Having a “script” to work from can take some of the emotion out of face-to-face communication. If in-person discussions are still too difficult, consider handling some of the details over email.

When kids are involved
Divorce can be a traumatic experience for children, but research suggests that most children adjust well within two years following the divorce; on the other hand, children often experience more problems when parents remain in high-conflict marriages instead of splitting up. During a divorce, parents can do a lot to ease the child’s transition. Do your best to keep any conflict away from the kids. Ongoing parental conflict increases kids’ risk of psychological and social problems. It’s often helpful for divorcing parents to come up with a plan and present it to their children together. And, keep the lines of communication open. Kids benefit from having honest conversations about the changes their family is experiencing.

 In many cases, sudden change can be hard on children. If appropriate, give them a few weeks’ notice before moving them to a new home, or before one spouse moves out. It can be helpful to minimize changes as much as possible in the months and years following a divorce. Kids do better when they maintain close contact with both parents. Research suggests that kids who have a poor relationship with one or both parents may have a harder time dealing with family upheaval. Parent education programs that focus on improving the relationship between parents and their kids have been shown to help children cope better in the months and years following the divorce.

Taking care of yourself
The changes brought on by separation and divorce can be overwhelming. But now more than ever, it’s important to take care of yourself. Tap into your support network, turning to family and friends for assistance and comfort. Formal support groups can also help you cope with the many emotions of a marriage ending. To stay positive as you start a new chapter, try getting involved in activities you used to love but haven’t done in a while. Or try new hobbies and activities. Stay physically healthy by eating right and getting exercise.

How psychologists can help
Divorce is a difficult time for the entire family. Divorcing spouses and their children can benefit from speaking to a psychologist to help them deal with their emotions and adjust to the changes. Psychologists can also help you think carefully about what went wrong in your marriage so you can avoid repeating any negative patterns in your next relationship.

Who doesn’t want to be tough?  That person still needs to be born as we all want to have self confidence, belief in ourselves. Most of us want to be in control of ourselves and our feelings, we strive to be able to handle normal every day life challenges and we are all fighting a battle to stay with our good commitments, like eating more healthy, exercising more regularly, spending more time with our loved ones, etcetera.  The above mentioned examples include the four components (known as the four C’s) of mental toughness, which are challenge, confidence, control and commitment. 

What do mental tough people have that others don’t have?
· They are willing to take action and not just wish that they had more emotional toughness.  So, they get actively involved in the commitment to make their dreams come true.
· Mental tough people belief in themselves.  They focus on their best characteristics and work on their negative characteristics.
· Mental tough people realise the importance to love and appreciate themselves.  They know that you can’t reach out and love other people if you don’t like and love yourself.  They know that they owe themselves to love themselves.
· Mental tough people know how to be good to themselves.  They know when to take a break in a hectic schedule, they know that they can’t function well if they don’t get a good nights rest and they exercise on a regular base.
· They are more flexible than people who are not mental tough.  A flexible person realizes that he is still able to make choices in the midst of adversity and difficult circumstances.  Rigid people usually belief that they are trapped inside their adversity.
· Mental tough people set goals for themselves.  They realize that to keep on wishing and longing for what they want to achieve without setting any specific aims, will only remain dreams and wishful thinking.

During the next few weeks I will expand on above mentioned skills and characteristics of mental tough people.  Watch this space, while you start to take action on your own mental tough journey. 

References: Developing mental toughness (Peter Clough & Doug Strycharczyk)
The psycho-educational use of mental toughness in dealing with trauma (Unpublished Thesis by AMS Van Niekerk) (see References at the back)

Shakespeare said that nothing is either good or bad, but that we make it so.

Michael Nolan said: "It's not who we are that holds us back, it's who we think we're not".

The way in which we as human beings perceive (see) things around us influences the way in which we see ourselves and the world around us.  Therefore be aware, because you (and I) deal with life according to how we see things.  The way in which we see things (in other words our perceptions) is shaped by things from our childhood,  for example the way in which our parents disciplined us.  Our perceptions are also influenced by the values, meanings and norms of people around us, for example friends, teachers, the social media, colleuages, etcetera.  

A practical example of different ways to see the same thing is: 
Thabo and Jakes were both retrenched from their jobs.  Thabo experiences it as the worst thing that ever happened to him and he believed that his life was over and that nothing good could ever come from his retrenchment.  He became a bitter man and felt sorry for himself for the rest of his life.  

On the other hand Jakes was shocked and stunned just like Thabo was, but he decided that something good has to come from his retrenchment.  Therefore Thabo started to look for new opportunities, met up with people who could support him and at the end started his own business which did way better than he did in his job from which he had been retrenched.  

So, don't hold yourself back, for you are enough, you are a fighter and you are going to make your dreams come true if you start to belief in yourself.  Then you learn what mental toughness really is! 

Stillness?! What's that and how on earth could it be an art in our crazy, busy days? 

Are you a busy bee, or just too busy as a person to try and cope with your every day life: Working hard, trying to be friendly at work, try not to feel guilty for not spending enough time with your kids, wrestling with being a great husband, dad, mom, friend, etcetera.  Try to do the shopping, to have a meal on table every night, not even a great meal sometimes - just a meal!  Then the other things like dentists' appointments, gynaecologist stuff, eye testing (which haven't been done in years), children's activities, work functions, keeping your social life running, reading, tweeting, facebooking (the last three are luxuries!) and try to keep sane when your budget doesn't make it again for another month?

Above mentioned came to me this morning with a bang.  I had some time (at last) to sit and write an article on "not giving in to your child" as well as something on mental toughness, divorce and self-concept for my website.  It took me quite some time (up to two hours), to try to manage my website, sticking to an appointment with my husband, re-thinking the most time saving menu for the next week, and catching up with some magazine articles which I couldn't read for a long time. And I thought I was just managing everything at least and then it happened: I inserted a wrongly named photo into one of my articles and of course erased the photo. BUT between me and the technology I managed to erased everything I did to cover the next two months on my website!  

Then the following happend in this order:
- My first thought was to start crying.
- Second thought, it won't help at all, so go and make some tea to calm down.
- Third thought and action: ask my husband to try to retrieve the detail (which wasn't possible - the retrieving detail action).
- Fourth thought: It was time to do the "thing" that I wanted to do in the first place this morning (but instead I chose to pay attention to the technology stuff): To watch Louie Schwartzberg's TED talk 9 minute (yes only 9 minutes) DVD on nature, beauty and gratitude.

This is my story in short and the "thing" I wanted to do early this morning:
Do you know TED talks?  Now, if you know it you will know that it's life changing and if you've never heard of it before, I can really recommend it.  Only the world's most inspired and BEST people take part in TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) in order to use their passion to change ideas, life and the future.  I've also read Pico Iyer's book The art of silence.  I've just finished it yesterday night.  

In short, this amazing TED talk presenter stated that after he spent his life travelling the world and did a lot of research and interviews on stillness, he came to the conclusion that the only way to feel fresh, alive, new and full of hope again, is to slow down more often, as then we will experience that slowing dow, and stillness gives us strength to "face" our live's challenges again AND that we will experience that we have more wisdom, power and calmness to take up our responsibilities again.  If you don't fully believe me, slow down right now and look at this: go.ted.com/Schwartzberg.

Your heart will open up and you will see the blessings and joy which you can't see anymore due to not being able to do what you know you should (Like I knew, but didn't do this morning): to experience the art and strength and power of silence.

So, do you want today, and tomorrow and every other day to turn out as a good day? 
Let silence shows you how your eyes, smile and touch can become life giving (most of all to yourself and then to the people close to you).  

Come on, make the choice with me today, we deserve this every day! Go now and see Pico Iyer's TED talk (14 minutes).